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Most of my friends are pregnant right now. In fact, I'm pretty sure a friend is pregnant and not ready to tell yet. (If you normally order a drink and stop, and used to drink Diet Coke and claim to be giving up caffeine, well, that's a major hint. Especially when I ask you what's new and you giggle.) My entire 15 person playgroup has either had their second, is pregnant, or is trying.
I'm not pregnant, I'm not trying, I'm not even thinking about trying. We are done, with one.
I think.
I wish I wanted another baby. I actually really like babies. I seek out babies to hold and play with. I'm thrilled for my friends having babies.
Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. Am I the only person on the planet who only wants one child? Why do people look at me like I have seven heads when I say we are not having anymore? They tell me my reasons are selfish, and they are. We can't afford another one. We'd have to move, and we can't afford that. I've donated, sold, or given away all of Michael's baby stuff. I can't imagine getting out of the door every day with two. And it would completely change our lives, and I kind of like our lives.
There is a part of me that would love a girl. To dress up in pink. To go to princess tea with it. Hey, to watch High School Musical with. And my mother would be over the moon with a granddaughter.
There are moments when I think, well, maybe. Maybe when Michael is 4. And then I think, for us to have a baby when Michael is 4, I will have to be pregnant in 6 months. But it took us 6 months to get pregnant last time, so I'd have to try RIGHT NOW!!!! To quote Amy Winehouse, no, no, no, no.
The bottom line is, I just don't want another child. I know I "should." I know I'm "supposed to." I'm sorry for my friends who are trying to have seconds and having trouble. But there is also a part of me that doesn't get it. I don't get having one and wanting another. Maybe this is how people who never wanted children in the first place feel.
The odd thing is, we always wanted two. And then I got pregnant. And had a rough pregnancy. And hated it. And can't imagine going through that again. But people do it. And Michael was an easy baby. No colic, slept through the night at 4 months. Really laid back.
I'm talking in circles. The thing is, we tried for Michael. He was wanted. And loved, from the beginning. And I won't do it again unless I feel the same way. And I don't know when that will be. If that will be. And I guess that is OK.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
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21 comments:
Listen, there are a lot of good arguments for stopping at one. If you and Doug are both on the same page--then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
It's perfectly ok to want one and be happy with one.
For me personally I really want more than one, two or three sounds good right now to me. But one is wonderful wonderful wonderful and I think I could be perfectly happy with my one.
For us we mostly don't want our son to be alone when we pass away someday. Both my husband's parents were only children and now have no parents left. It's kind of sad now and was hard on them when thier parents were infirm and at the close. I suppose if our son had a lot of cousins it would be alright, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen in our family though.
Enjoy your one. He is beautiful!
Thanks for writing this. Mike and I don't have children so when I talk about children (how we want to raise, name, birth them) people roll their eyes and tell us, "It'll all change when you actually have one." And, you know, I'm sure they're right. But that doesn't mean our opinions today aren't valid or worth voicing. And this post helped me remember how important (and very different) individual decisions are.
Mike and I only want one.
I'm okay with a boy or a girl, but we only want one. We want to know where our focus is, we want to be able to travel, we want to put our one through college, and ever since I decided Mike was going to be the father of my child, I knew I only wanted to bring one other little being into our circle.
And I get a LOT of judgment from people because of this. We're usually made to feel that this decision is selfish. "How can we only want one? They'll be socially stunted!" As if we're going to lock our child in the closet, never allowing him/her to talk to other children. If one is what's best for us (and you), regardless of WHY, how can that be selfish?
Whether you want one more or eight more or no more, you're making that decision based on what is best for you, your husband, and your current little kiddo. And just because one is enough for you doesn't mean it's enough for another couple and both choices are OKAY and RIGHT and I think I'm rambling...
So I'll end with saying, Michael is such a gorgeous name and I'd name our little boy (if we have one) Michael in a heartbeat but my husband Michael doesn't want a Jr. So it'll be, most likely, "Something Michael" Nice ring to it, right? Ha.
it doesn't matter what you are "supposed" to do!!! you do what your heart tells you to. if you heart tells you that you're done...then maybe you are "supposed" to only have one :)
pfa! there is absolutley nothing - NOTHING! - wrong with having or wanting one child! !!! (extra exclamation marks!) Shoulds and supposed-tos? Irrelevant. It's what you both want. For yourselves. For Michael. For no one else.
I am of the opinion that any decisions around children are selfish in and of themselves. And selfish isn't always a bad thing. There are times when you are the only people you need to be thinking about. There's nothing wrong with it at all, and I'm exceptionally glad we selfishly decided to bring our little girl into our lives. But will there be more?
We've no for now. I can't say for certain how I'll feel in another 2 or 3 years, but, between you and me, I'll be really surprised if things change...
(Jenn)
Why on earth is it selfish to only want to have one child? Seriously, I don't think I've ever heard a good argument for that. If anything I think it's responsible because you're saying that you know what expectations and limits you have as a mother. Personally I wanted to have kids just to have kids. Not as some sort of insurance policy for the future. A lot of siblings out there really don't like each other as adults. Some don't even speak to each other. Some grown children don't speak to their families. These are things that as parents we don't have control over no matter how many kids we many have.
I had this exact conversation with a really good friend of mine the other day. She says she's got her one and only. That's what works for her. However, I will say your argument rings more true than hers did. I'm thinking she may want more and is afraid to admit it. Her DH is 10 years older than she and I think he feels too old for more.
I think there is a stigma associated with families that have more than 3 kids as well. I can't tell you how many times I've been out with a friend and heard "Can you imagine having all those kids?". Society just wants us to reproduce whatever they feel is the right amount.
We want more. Why? My DH grew up pretty much and only and he hated it (he has two OLDER half-sisters from his dad's first marriage and two older half-brothers from his mom's first). I never wanted just one (all my siblings are way younger and from my parents' second marriages) anyway so it works for us.
You have to do what works for your family and for your family alone. Your baby boy is beautiful! Enjoy him! Be thankful that you will never spend money on diapers again!
I feel exactly the same way! We are done with one and are really comfortable with that decision. We have always been very up front with everyone about it and don't get much grief. Heck, we were married for 12 years before having Robby. He also was an easy baby and by all comparisons is an easy toddler. Every now and then I think "maybe one more" and then I think about why one is the right choice for our family and the feeling goes away pretty quickly. Know you are not the only one who feels one child is the best choice for their family.
WHO says you're supposed to have more than one?
that person is equally annoying as you are quote "selfish".
what about my husband and I who are not even sure that we want children...AT ALL? while out of town dex went to dinner with friends and their two children and they asked immediately, "when are you having children?" this question is tired already. "I thought you'd be pregnant by now." and other comments I get after being married for almost three years.
children are our future.
And so am I. I am the future, too.
And so are you, Doug, and Michael--you three.
I agree with everyone but really like Angela's closer -
"Enjoy your one."
We've always said we wanted two, but now that we have one I'm not sold on having another one. Granted my son is only 8 months old so it is early still.
My mom has a theory that when Booger gets old enough that he wants to be more independent and starts saying things like "i do it myself" that is when I'll want a baby. She may be right but I'm still not sure.
I think your reasons for not wanting another child are totally valid. Really are they any more or less valid than reasons to have a second. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as you guys are happy with your family.
The husband and I talk about names for a second a lot but I honestly can't imagine having another one. The beginning was so hard I can't imagine doing it again. Only time will tell I suppose.
I love having my one little girl. I spmetimes wonder why I don't want more...if there is something un-motherly about me for not yearning for a houseful of kids, or at least a pair!! Then I look at my daughter and know that I am, all mother (okay, maybe not all, but certainly not un-motherly), and I am the perfect mother for her.
Sometimes, I too don't get wanting more kids. I just cannot look at my daughter and think "Eh, not enough, I need another". It is not because she is too much for me, as many people assume. It is because she is just right for me. My family is happy. Why mess with happy?
I love the way having one child lets me be the kind of mom I want to be, social worker I want to be, wife I want to be...and be good to myself. I am sure if I had more kids, I would not be able to be all these things. I know some moms can, I know I couldn't.
She is 5 now...when she was younger, I kept thinking "Maybe when she is older,I'll want another"...now, I find myself thinking "She is too old for me to go back to baby stuff, having a kid is too much fun to go back to that, I should have done it when she was younger". But, I think this neutrally, not with regret!
http://whosemommyisthat.wordpress.com
Don't do it unless you want to. And don't feel like a freak. I am feeling pretty freakish right now being pregnant with my fourth. I was done but accidents happen. I wish I was excited but I am not. Anyway if you don't want to don't do it. It isn't fair to you, the baby or Michael.
Thank you so much for this post! I am also REALLY not ready for another one. Which is also strange. My husband and I always wanted quite a few kids...at one point we even talked of six! But I had always been told by my doctor I would have trouble getting pregnant. In fact, we were in the adoption process when I got pregnant with my daughter. I always thought if I ever got pregnant I would be SOOOOO happy I wouldn't mind all the pregnancy stuff....but I had a terrible pregnancy. At 8 weeks I had a threatening misscarriage and was put on bed rest and had to stop everything. I threw up daily til I was six months pregnant at which point PAINFUL braxton hicks started. I had every pregnancy symptom in the book and we were stressed the whole time because if we weren't worried about losing the baby we were worried about her coming to early. Then when we had her I struggled with depression for seven months. Nothing major but enough to make things miserable. I beat myself up so much for all of that because I thought "this is what you always wanted! Why aren't you happy regardless?"
There isn't a single part of me that wants to do that again right now and sometimes I wonder when or if I will. I'm quite sure we will have another because we want a sibling for my daughter. But I really don't know when. I completely understand your reasoning...especially of wanting any future children to feel just as wanted and tried for as your first. I feel the same. Thanks for sharring!
P.S. Love the new look!
I think its perfectly fine to be happy with one.. And if you and hubby are both on the same page on this matter then it shouldn't matter what other people think... And if someday you change your mind than thats okay too... Don't do it unless your heart is in it 100%.. You'll know when the time is right. I really HATE being pregnant and I had the worse pregnancy last time, but I was willing to just suck it up for one more.. And I'm miserable, but really looking forward to holding that lil baby. But initially I only wanted one.. So things can change sometimes:-)
OK, get ready for a rant. This is a HUGE sore subject for me, mainly because I am EXACTLY the same boat as you.
Declan is an only and will be an only. Because we are happy as three. Because while, maybe we could afford another, we don't *want* to afford another. Because we don't have room for another in our current house. Because I had a high risk pregnancy that ended in an emergency c-section. But, MAINLY, because we are happy as three.
Some people can't seem to get that through their thick heads.
And as I was telling some ladies the other night, my personal philosophy is that there are a MILLION ZILLION factors that go into what size family feels right for each family... so when you reach that size, who is ANYONE to judge? (Except for those crazy people employing competitive parenting only to show how rich they are, that is, LOL).
Yes, there are challenges with having any only, but it's not like there are not alternate challenges with doubles and tripes either, that do NOT exist with a single.
My whole point being, you and Doug know what's right for your family and that's all that is important. :)
There are no rules that say you must have more than one, or just one. There are pros and cons for having more than one, and for having only one. Do what is best for your family.
At times I wonder what it would be like if I'd had a 2nd. How much younger would he/she be? Would the 2nd be a boy or girl? How different/same would 2nd be from first? What would my first be like with a sibbling? What would/wouldn't we have been able to do because of a 2nd? And ya know what? If I had had a 2nd, I'd probably have the same thoughts - what would it be like with a 3rd, etc etc. But it's all just wondering. We stopped at 1, because for us 1 works for us.
Do what works for you, Doug and Michael. And it doesn't need to be decided on this minute. Whatever your decision, it will all work out.
I am only echoing here, but you just have to live your life and keep your mind about this kind of thing. Forget the rest and their opinions. This is down to you.
You are such a great Mom to that one. I feel he's a lucky guy to have you.
That's my two cents!
It is perfectly ok to stop at one. We have one child too and I've been grappling with this issue... Alot of the time, I think I'm perfectly happy with one. Our family is happy and feels complete. But then sometimes I wonder...
But thank you for writing this...
I could have written your post, Jodi. It was this issue that led me here way back whenever. The most difficult emotion for me is the feeling that I "should" want more than one child and that I'm not a good mom if I don't have that desire. But I am getting over that baseless thought. I am the perfect mom for my son and he's perfect for me--I am learning from him what I needed to learn about life.
He turned 2 yesterday and I have never been happier in my two years as a mom. It just keeps getting better and better. The three of us went to Lowe's this morning and had a great time. I couldn't have imagined that even six months ago.
He starts daycare (for the first time) on Tuesday. We're doing it for my sanity, his well being and our finances. My husband said it's clearly time for peer socialization when our dog has become his main influence. So we know it's what is best for him, too, and we want him to be comfortable interacting with other kids. Of course, my MIL's solution to that would be for us to have another couple of children. She is the only one who has not accepted that we are done with one. And she can blow it out her ear. ;)
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