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I have a problem. I am always living for the next thing that is to happen. You know what I'm talking about. When you are a kid you want to be a teenager. When you are a teenager you want drive, than go to college, then drink legally. Then you start dating someone and it's, when are we getting married, buying a house, having a baby.
Yes, society puts these pressures on us, with the millions of people asking you questions everyday about the status of your life. (Wait, is that just me?) But I also do it to myself.
I always say I will be happy when the NEXT thing happens. When I graduate college, or graduate law school, or find a job, or get married. Currently, it's when we move. When we move everything will be ok. When we move, I will start to really consider whether I want another child or not
But we are not moving anytime soon. Even if we were to put the house on the market RIGHT NOW, which we are not, who knows when it will sell.
I need to learn to be happy in the now. To stop waiting for whatever is next.
I missed Michael's babyhood because of this. Waiting for him to sleep through the night, walk, talk, now potty train and start sleeping through the night again oh my fucking G-d! (How come no one told me they hit three 3 and stop sleeping?)
What about now? What about what is happening right now? Jen wrote a lovely post about this, about delaying her own happiness until she gets pregnant. But she also vowed to start being happy in the now, living in the now. "I am far too lucky to be ungrateful," she said.
I am far too lucky to be ungrateful, to be unhappy, to not appreciate all the joy and beauty and wonder that I do have. It's time take a deep breathe and slow down.
Friday, June 13, 2008
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9 comments:
I think that a lot of people are like that. And I think that the hardest part is that there is a fine line between being unhappy with what you currently have and striving to be 'better' - even if it is just to better yourself.
That's definitely something that has changed for me the more kids I've had. I was a lot like you when Trout was young, but I am much more in the moment now, letting myself enjoy the beauty and wonder in all my kids do. Even if it is causing the house to fall down.
Thanks for the shout-out. I hope we both find peace and joy in the "now."
I think that's probably just one of life's lessons. Here's another one though, everyone always says that you'll miss those baby days, but the people I know who have the best relationships with their adult children always say yeah it was cute when they were young, but they treasure the relationship they have now even more. I think in our society we have a tendency to always look back and glorify it and not look at the present or forward.
Oh, I think I'm kind of like that too. Maybe not to the exclusion of living in the present, but I always need something to look forward to.
You're right, I think it's society. Married yet? Have a kid. Got a kid? Have another. Etc.
I swear we're long lost twins.. I do the same exact thing about everything.. I constantly live for the what will happen next.. and I make myself believe when it happens I will be happy. It's ridiculous and I get SO mad at myself for doing it. I missed Isabella's babyhood as well because I kept doing this:-( Oh and my 3 year old isn't sleeping through the night anymore either....
Thanks for the reminder!!
I can't tell you how much this post resonates with me today. There's so very much I can't wait to experience and I'm really missing the joys that are in today. Though, I will contend that if I didn't have to go to so many weddings I would feel much better about the "I want to be married or at least somewhat close to being married or you know, just date someone" thing. Oh well.
It was a great post.
I know for me one of the most important things in life is to always have something to look forward to or strive to achieve; it makes the day to day drudgery bearable. But you're right that it's hard to strike a balance between wishing the present away and simply anticipating the future.
Sometimes I think I live too much in the now and don't worry enough about the future.
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